Ya Drive Me Crazy!
by Butterflygirl113
Summary: Two members of the crew reflect on their least-favorite shipmate.
1. Chapter 1

You drive me crazy, man, ya know that? Yer pig-headed and selfish, arrogant and cowardly, and ya whinge on about how everything is everyone else's fault other than yours. But sometimes, despite everything, I find myself feelin' sorry for you. I see that yer hurtin'. I see that yer lonely; and after that trip to that God-forsaken moon, I know how messed up yer mind is. I feel bad for you; you even make me feel compassion towards you. And I _try_ to be kind to you, but it's not easy 'cause you're such a _smeghead_!

Yer drivin' me crazy.

In the same breath you make me soft toward ya, and then ya make me wanna scream. Sometimes ya make me think yer almost a friend, and then ya go an' make me hate you all over again. Yer a smeggin' roller coaster ride, man, and I don't need that! Not out here. I don't need to be worryin' over whether or not you'll betray us or if yer gonna be snarky or unexpectedly nice when I'm fightin' off simulants and psirens and G.E.L.F.s and smeg! I don't _need_ that!

Smeg. What the smeg was Holly thinkin'?

But still, all the same, yer part of the crew. The boys from the Dwarf. One of the posse. And no matter how much ye drive me out o' me skull, I'll still be there for ya, man. 'Cause that's what we do, all alone out here. We may not'a chosen each other, but we're all we have left. And maybe… maybe someway we need each other.

Smeg; this smeg is too deep. I need another beer. An' maybe a midnight curry. All'a this is givin' me a headache.

Just one more thing: You're really somethin', ya know that? I just don't get you, man. Maybe that's why Holly picked you, to give me somethin' to figure out. But no matter _why_ he went out o' his mind and picked _you _ta keep me company, I know one thing fer sure:

_Ya drive me crazy!_

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'd REALLY, REALLY love to hear what you think about this, and if you think I've captured Lister's thoughts correctly. :) Feedback is always loved!


	2. Chapter 2

What gives _you _the right to be reincarnated as a hologram, to essentially be given an extra shot at life when you so royally smegged up the first one? I'll tell you: Nothing. Nothing except the torture it is for you to live a life without touch surrounded by people who hate you. And you can whine and complain all you like, but you know not only that they hate you, but that you deserve it. What is there to like about you, after all? You're not charming. You're not intelligent. You can't even fix the smegging chicken soup machines properly. You're a waste; a complete and utter waste and a blemish on the face of humanity.

Oh, Lister would love that, wouldn't he? In fact, he's told you that on several occasions. Even you have to admit he's right. You can't even manage to make friends with him, can you? The last living human being in the universe, your roommate for several years, and you can't even get on. Don't give me any of that drivel about how he's such a slob and so fundamentally unlikeable. He mustn't be, must he? After all, everyone else seems to like him well enough. Even _women_ liked him, smeg knows why; or at least that's what he _says._ Either way, he's still had a smeg of a lot more experience with them than _you _have.

It's no wonder no one can stand you. Not even your _parents_ ever could. Not like you've given them anything to feel proud of. A lowly technician on a mining ship, improperly repairing the vending machines- or more importantly, the smegging _drive plate-_ to the tune of one thousand, one hundred and sixty-seven lost lives? Oh yes, you're a _real _catch miladdo. Definitely officer material.

And while we're on that topic, not only do you kill off the entire crew by your incompetence, _not only that,_ but on _several_ occasions you actually consider _and try _to abandon your remaining crewmates to whatever life-threatening danger they happen to be in! It's not enough that you have to kill off over a thousand people; you do your smegging, level best to get the others wiped out too! You're a smegging, cowardly, useless little worm.

I just wish I wasn't you.


End file.
